1/9/06
       one of the horrible days. saw her at musical, laughing...... with another guy. from the sec i stepped in the class i saw them. i was preparing to try to approach her again and try to at least keep the conversation going. but when i saw her and him..... shi*t... anyways, then i tried to keep distance from them. but they sit together like 2 rows behind me. i was doing hw, and they were obviously having fun. laughing so hard. i dont no how to describe that feeling in my heart..... iz just..... bleeding..... once again, i went back to my shell.....
       thatz not the worst part yet. when i got home, i turned on randomly playing music. guess wht? first song played... I Honestly Love You.... "uh... daz not helping me... change" then i changed it, guess wht happened next... then poped out I Need you by myside tonight... and i was like... i need to change it... and i pressed next... guess wht... next song: all i've ever wanted in life is you... ...-_-" shit... next... The Wedding Song.... WTF??? why?????????? that just made me depressed to the deepest point....... "sigh"

1/7/06
Musical started... see her every rehearsal. felt like shez trying to keep so much distance away from me now... i knew it... this sememster will be really really really really really miserable for me. at least this is wht it seems to be for now. i really dont want to do musical this yr for all the heavy academic loads i already have, but for her i joined, and hoping things will turn out better, but now... things only got worse and worse... i really want to go sky diving rit now. just to feeling that thriling feeling and forget about everything. and wake up the next morning, be a brand new person. but memory can never be erased, especially when u r seeing the person everyday for 3 hrs... ah.... why??? why she had to leave................................................................................................

New Update 11/29/05
Saw her 2day at Musical Audition... Even though I've been trying to avoid seeing her for the passed 2 days -- It's not because i dont wanna talk to her anymore, iz just i dont no wht to say and how to talk to her, like as a friend or wht? -- but still, i couldnt avoid seeing her at the audition... well, even though when i saw her again i felt this thrilling pain in my heart instantly, but i still tried to fake a smile. Guess i did it well. Perhaps she didnt notice anything, or, even she noticed, would she care anymore??? Ahhhhh... I just had the worst ThxGiving in my entire life, and X'mas is approaching... Gee... the remaining sememster is going to be hell to me................................ T_T

New Update 11/20/05
11/20/05... I've lost the most important person in my life... Life has lost its colors along the reason of being alive... This most painful night of life... Can I make it through this time? Can I really just be friend with her? If I say "yes", it's completely lieing... My heart has been ripped wide open, slayed to little pieces, and pounded to ashes... I see endless Blackness infront of me...

the 2 songs that fit my currently mood:

I Honestly Love You
Maybe I hang around here
Little more than I should
Both know I got somewhere else to go
But I got something to tell you
That I never thought I would
But I believe you really ought to know

I love you
I honestly love you
You don't have to answer
I see it in your eyes
Maybe it was better left unsaid
This is pure and simple
And you must realize
That it's coming from my heart and not my head

I love you
I honestly love you
I'm not tryin' to make you feel uncomfortable
I'm not tryin' to make you anything at all
But this feeling doesn't come along everyday
And you shouldn't blow the chance
When you've got the chance to say
I love you (I love you)
I honestly love you

If we both were born in another place and time
This moment might be ending with a kiss
There you are with yours
And here I am with mine
So I guess we'll just be leaving it at this
I love you
I honestly love you
I honestly, love you

I love you

Yesterday
Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they're here to stay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly, There's a shadow hanging over me.
I'M NOT HALF THE MAN I USED TO BE.
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Why she had to go
I don't know she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong,
Now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Why she had to go
I don't know she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong,
Now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm.

New Update 11/17/05
For the past three days I have only shut my eyes for about 4 hours. How strange I'm not tired at all! Seems like there¡¯s not gotta be any sleep 2nit neither. Iz not only the tests and studying that I have to do, but also because of her. Why all of a sudden we are running in an Ice Age? She even seems to be ¡°annoyed¡± by the fact that ppl thought we are together. Aren¡¯t we supposed to be together? She didn¡¯t even have much response to the flowers I bought her for the show. And she gave me the feeling that I¡¯m transparent¡­ She¡¯s kind of trying to ignore me in a way now. This is BAD. I know that I¡¯m spending very little amount of time with her, and she¡¯s mad at me, but that¡¯s NOT what I want neither! Yes, I have to admit that I didn¡¯t put her as my very first priority before, and just recently I realized that I was a fool for not doing so. Just recently I realized how important she means to me and how much I really want her to be here right by my side. Guys are always like that, they sigh when they finally lost something valuable, but they just never notice it when they had it! I need to spend more time with her, seriously. For her I decided to quit my Mt.SAC, and also resign from 3 of my clubs. Plus I¡¯ll join musical just for her, so hopefully there¡¯s going to be more time that we can spend with each other. I love her so much, but I never had the courage to tell her how I really feel about her. I guess this hidden azness deep down my heart is really still functioning.

New Update 11/13/05
This thursday was crazy. She told me that she'll have a long rehearsal 'till 7 p.m. for Malodrama. Since I didnt see her the entire day becuase I was too busy with clubs, I decided to stay after school, waiting for her, to give her a little surprise. At beginning it wasnt too bad. I got friends around me, and it was quite fun. But after 5 when everyone left, Gee it was hard. It got darker and darker and colder and colder, and I was only wearing a shirt! O god, I was freezing my butt off in the Cafeteria. But when I think of her, it's all warm inside my heart. Even though I was feeling a little dissy because I hardly ate anything that day; even though I could barely feel my feet; even though no human being was around me within my sight, I still stayed there 'till all the way to 7:30! Guess what it turned out to be? She left early for vocal lessons, and I was so freezing and shaking that I missed her. I think it's probably because her mom drove the new truck inside the campus so they could leave right away. So, sucks for me... I stayed there since right after school 'till 7:30 p.m. for nothing............. I got questioned a brizzlion times by my parents when I got home. Along with that, I was coughing crazyly during the entire weekend (I was already sick for 2 weeks).... And most important of all, she didnt even know all that I did...... which made everything even more worthless...... -_-" O well, I know i did it. She never checks my Xanga......

New Update 11/8/05
I was really blue in the morning, very very very mad, and later on depressed. Many reasons led to the result. Dont even ask why, iz too complex and too painful. However, the second I saw her during lunch I just lighten up completely. All those anger and depression just flow away! And when she smiles at me, I forgot why was I so mad this morning. lol Then we took this picture, which i consider myself really ugly in this pic. I think i look retarded here in the pic. O well, here it is, laugh as much as you want to. I dont really care.

New Update 11/6/05
Friday we had HC game, dont no wht was the score 'cause i didnt stay, but before i left it was 4-3, we were winning. Anyways, Chamber were called to sing National Anthem there, got lots of cheers, so daz good. Singing is just good as always, com'on we are chambers. It was short total of only about 1 hr or so. Afterwards it was about 7pm, and Becky told me that her rehearsal ends at around 7 so i went to drama room to find her. Ended up even Ms. Karr was gone... (They ended early, I figured) With dissappointment, I then decided to go take a walk with Nick. Gee it felt so great to get away from all those cheers and shoutings, just walking underneath all the stars, listening to the call of the nature, and feeling the ambience of peacefulness. My entire body felt so relaxed and refreshed. While we were walking, Nick suddenly noticed that we are infront of Becky's house. He asked me why I walked this way. well, I didnt no y neither, I guess it was just my unconscious movement. It's probably just her attaction that guided me to her house. lol Since all the cars of her families were there, of course I couldnt just walk up to knock on her door. Instead, I simply turned around and walked back. On the way back, i did the same thing as when i came -- looked up and staring at the stars. One thing I didnt notice was that there was one car missing from her house, and there was a car driving towards us when we were walking away from her house... guess who was in that car? hehe, yah, it was Becky and her brother Kevin!!! -_-" And I didnt notice untill that car drove rit passed me.... And she was looking at me... I was like... ah..... crap....... Didnt mean to bother her... darn it....... why did she show up at this time..... eih......... After a short discussion with Nick, he took my cellphone and called Becky to explain everything. that was freaky... She was like wht were you guys doing out there? oooo, she laughed so hard after I explained. O boy. That was stupid.

10/31/05
Got Lots of Funny Pictures from Halloween:
"Huh???"   "Hahahahahaha~~ It's a Camera Phone!!!"

Bryant Wong, Lady of the Day

Josh = Jack??!!

Azn version of Cat Woman?? She's abashing the last name FAN!!!

-_-" ²»ÓèÖÃÆÀ¡£¡£¡£
The Hello Twins

And now comes to the question: How come majority of the guys i know (including myself) dont dress up for Halloween? Seems like we are all too mature for those tricks lol... I wonder how many ppl really went trick or treating??

New Update 10/30/05
Huuuuuuu, cant go to HomeComing anymore even though i've bought almost all the clothes for it. dude, i cant believe that tickets are actually sold out 1 and half week ahead!!!!! it never happened for the passed 3 years!!! and i was one day late when buying the ticket... crap... I feel really really sorry to Becky, really didnt meant it. that wasnt in the plan. Anyways, some good news: Had our College Planning Seminar on Sat, the 29th presented by my club: Youth Leadership Committee. We had 3 awesome speakers who are true experts in their areas. It was definitely a great time there. Especially when lots of parents gave me positive feed-backs. Such a great feeling. I'll have to plan another event for next month, maybe il combine veteran's day together with thanksgiving. we'll see. well, good luck to myself since no one leave me comments anymore.(where is everyone??? all DEAD???)
current mode: exhausted. but still cant sleep because her images kept popping into my head...

New Update 10/26/05
Stupid, stupid stupid! Gee!!! Why did i waited 'till Wed to buy HomeComing tickets???!!! Gosh! why are the tickets sold out this year??? it's never been like this before! darn! when i finally got all the money and parents approval, now, iz for nothing... -_-" sign...

New Update 10/23/05
Went to check out tux 2day. EXPENSIVE. found a place, $59.99 for the entire suit, and it looks really really good quality and fits me perfectly, but iz just for rental. really just need a jacket though. Hopefully i can get a suit next weekend. O, another news: someone's calling me for tutoring! o ya! Thank God! finally! at this moment when i need money the most! Hopefully iz gotta work. Is $12/hr too cheep? May be i should ask for $15 or more.   All right! Iz gotta be a monday again! finally! weekends have always been long since i dont get to see her for 2 days. Friday i was supposed to walk her home, but since i was taking a make-up quiz, plan failed. how funny is da i was so anxious while i was taking it, i finished only 1 page and then turned it in. as i was about to ran out the room, teacher called me back: oops, 2 more pages... darn! when finally finished it was really late already. sign... i need 96 hrs in one day! my schedule is always so full.
current mode: thinking about her... tong ku...

New Update 10/21/05
New Problem: Need money for HomeComing. aih... ke wu... mei qian zhen ku nao ah... Plus a suit... and a new tie, and a pair of new shoes... damn it... how am i suppose to get all that much of money...

New Update 10/17/05
Rainny day... I got soaked 3 times! completely wet from hair to shoes. O gosh, first was during lunch, then after sku, then at mt. sac... god damn... just because my umbrala was broken... well, after sku i was begging ppl i know for an umbrala, not da i was afraid of getting soaked again, iz really da i was concerned about her. i knew she didnt have an umbrala and she was getting soaked during lunch too. but not many ppl actually brought umbralas, so couldnt get one. well, i was runnign late for choir rehearsal, so i gave up trying, felt a little sorry. i should've brought my own and lent it to her. il sure remember 2morrow!

New Updates 10-12
Havnt seen her for 4 days now... feels like something is wrong but i cant tell exactly wht is wrong. but when im walking around the campus my eyes are always looking around, trying to capture her image. i've been busy since last wk regarding club affairs. had big difficulty in club organizing stuff, and also having some problems in some of teh classes since I've been absent quite oftenly recently... and also because the teacher is just a jerk who doesnt even no wht is he talking about... really really wanna spend more time with her... well, seems like i have to boost up my grades and organize my clubs first... ahh..... irritated...

New Updates 10-9
Finally FINISHED my TREBUCHET (TREBUSHIT) project! We worked entire day there in Justin's house. I got there around noon, and when I got home it was like 7 something already. Quickly finished dinner, then started editting. Soon I found out that Andrew completely forgot the Data Analysis and Conclusion. Plus picture uploads and part of the Table of Contents. I had to correct and re-enter all of that. It's 11:30 p.m. now, and I just got through everything. Shoot, 16 pages of color printing... Seems like I'll have to go buy new ink 2morrow... T_T $$$! Anyways, here are some pics I got from Justin:

GROUP PICTURE: THE WINNING TEAM!!!

GOT ONE!

AIMING FOR CLEMENTS NEXT!

New Updates 10-8
SAT day. I still can't believe that i messed up on my math section. I was originally aiming for 750+, but i think i only got 600 something this time. Damn i was too nervoused and lost sence of time... Grammar was really easy, and reading wasnt as bad as i thought. The highlight was that when I hurried to get to the place, I saw her waiting in the line too. That was really a suprise to me! Maybe that was also one of the factors of my distraction. lol My mind just kept wondering off the topic, couldnt focus. O well, I guess I'll have to take it again on December!

 
Btw, Met this professional Chinese Basketball Player from CIPA Leadership Trainning Program. Forgot to post it up for a long time. Ha, watch, when he becomes the new YaoMing, hehehe... $D

New Updates 9-29
Ms. Karr told me to Play Accordian for one of the scenes for the new melodrama. Well, not a bad idea, at least it's a chance for me to show off my accordian skills to the entire sku, but, more in depth, she's there. :D and i get to go to rehearsals there with her, so i guess it all pays off since i didnt have a very nice experience working with Karr last yr during musical. lol  anyways, they selected some music pieces, but they are all in piano form... seems like i have to recompose everything myself... o boy, daz gotta be a hell lot of load! composing can be a real pain sometimes, especially for people like me who only play by ears! o well, who cares, as long as i can spend some time with her after school most of the time, i dont care wht i have to give up for exchange!

New Update 9-28
Ah! havnt been here for so long! New sememster began. so great! get to see her everyday. even though iz mainly just during lunch time everyday, but it still lighten me up from the heavy load of studying. we might not be talking all the time, we might not be laughing all the time, but just looking at each other and know that she's there is enough. I'd say my happiest time of the day is this short 30 mins lunch period. :D ok, getting late now, il update next week. good night.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4

iz been 39 days since the last time i saw her... suffered so badly... but iz worth it after all. we went out for a movie sunday nit (5 hours ago). it was really fun. well, to me, just seeing her again had already cheered me up from all the work that i've been put on! :D and, i must admit that she became prettier and cuter and whiter than last time i saw her. the evening was just fantastic... guess i will have a good night sleep 2nit with a good dream. :) ait, tired, il update more later. nit, or actually, good morning! lol

I miss her... every single second of my life... everyday without her just seemed endless to me... gosh... iz been 23 days since the last time we talked to each other... and to me, it felt like decades... jesus... when can i see her again? when can i talk to her in person again? phone is not enough, though only hearing her voice had already put a warm smile on my face... ah! i hope days can get passed by quicker, so i get to see her sooner...